"The Looking Glass of Personal Reflection"
I'm not the type of person that likes to write about my personal feelings; I am a writer of fiction. I like to make up stories about people; their emotions, desires, how they fit in the imaginary world I have created for them. This is hard for me. So I'm going to suspend reality and pretend that I'm a character in one of my stories.
As long as I can remember I have had a desire to keep things perfect. I never liked messes, even as a child. My dad was a smoker and left his full ashtrays lying around the house, even now I hate the smell of cigarettes. He never cleaned the ashtrays, so when I came home from school I would immediately dump the junk into the garbage. After a while it became an obsession, I felt I had to wash them out constantly as well.
This may have been when the OCD started. I can remember leaving the house and checking multiple times that the oven was off and that the door was locked, I was only ten at the time.
In high school I became obsessed with washing my hands. I did it several times a day...especially at school. As a result my hands would dry out, crack and bleed. Over the years the OCD lie dormant. I was told it was always there but intensified during stressful situations.
Several months ago the OCD returned...in full force. It was so debilitating that I had a hard time focusing at work. This time instead of washing my hands excessively and checking doors and ovens I was bombarded by intense troublesome thoughts. Now most people who think an unpleasant thought are quickly able to dismiss it and move on. Not me. The thought would replay in my mind over and over again like a broken record. It got so bad that I seriously didn't care whether or not I woke up in the morning.
I prayed to God and begged him to take the horrible thoughts and anxious feelings away. It was hard for me to be around friends and family and it got to the point where I didn't want to leave the house. At that time I really wasn’t going to church, I would occasionally but then only on Sunday mornings.
This past summer my family took a trip to the beach. It was the perfect chance for me to get away from everything and just relax and enjoy spending time with those I cared about the most. The thoughts and feelings went into overdrive and I was unable to enjoy most of the vacation. I felt awful, I was miserable and everyone knew that something about me wasn’t quite right, yet when they asked I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.
Before the trip I made an appointment with a Christian Therapist. Something needed to change, I was headed down a dark and dangerous path, and I wasn't sure I was going to make it.
Five months later I can honestly say I am doing well. I've joined a new church and growing closer to God. I used to be angry with God for allowing this to happen to me. Now I feel that it was a blessing that God allowed me to go through this dark time in my life. He has given me strength that I never knew existed. He has surrounded me with caring, loving people that encourage me to move forward with God as the center of my life.
For the first time in a long time I think I'm going to make it.
(I know) Philip. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Submitted by (LC) Christen (Green) Chapman
As long as I can remember I have had a desire to keep things perfect. I never liked messes, even as a child. My dad was a smoker and left his full ashtrays lying around the house, even now I hate the smell of cigarettes. He never cleaned the ashtrays, so when I came home from school I would immediately dump the junk into the garbage. After a while it became an obsession, I felt I had to wash them out constantly as well.
This may have been when the OCD started. I can remember leaving the house and checking multiple times that the oven was off and that the door was locked, I was only ten at the time.
In high school I became obsessed with washing my hands. I did it several times a day...especially at school. As a result my hands would dry out, crack and bleed. Over the years the OCD lie dormant. I was told it was always there but intensified during stressful situations.
Several months ago the OCD returned...in full force. It was so debilitating that I had a hard time focusing at work. This time instead of washing my hands excessively and checking doors and ovens I was bombarded by intense troublesome thoughts. Now most people who think an unpleasant thought are quickly able to dismiss it and move on. Not me. The thought would replay in my mind over and over again like a broken record. It got so bad that I seriously didn't care whether or not I woke up in the morning.
I prayed to God and begged him to take the horrible thoughts and anxious feelings away. It was hard for me to be around friends and family and it got to the point where I didn't want to leave the house. At that time I really wasn’t going to church, I would occasionally but then only on Sunday mornings.
This past summer my family took a trip to the beach. It was the perfect chance for me to get away from everything and just relax and enjoy spending time with those I cared about the most. The thoughts and feelings went into overdrive and I was unable to enjoy most of the vacation. I felt awful, I was miserable and everyone knew that something about me wasn’t quite right, yet when they asked I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.
Before the trip I made an appointment with a Christian Therapist. Something needed to change, I was headed down a dark and dangerous path, and I wasn't sure I was going to make it.
Five months later I can honestly say I am doing well. I've joined a new church and growing closer to God. I used to be angry with God for allowing this to happen to me. Now I feel that it was a blessing that God allowed me to go through this dark time in my life. He has given me strength that I never knew existed. He has surrounded me with caring, loving people that encourage me to move forward with God as the center of my life.
For the first time in a long time I think I'm going to make it.
(I know) Philip. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Submitted by (LC) Christen (Green) Chapman